


Beautifully Handsome

by orphan_account



Category: My Engineer (TV)
Genre: Angst, Asexuality Spectrum, Cuddling & Snuggling, Demisexuality, Falling In Love, Kissing, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Panic Attacks, Phobias, Self-Discovery, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:07:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24818860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Ram doesn’t remember ever wanting to kiss anyone, never really saw the appeal until he met King.Or Ram's journey in figuring out his sexuality.
Relationships: King/Ram (My Engineer)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 197





	Beautifully Handsome

**Author's Note:**

> So StardustAce asexual RamKing and MekBoss fics own my whole heart, and I can't get the idea of Demisexual Ram out of my head, so here I am writing it. Please check out their fics though, they're so wonderful, a breath of fresh air, really.  
> Please be aware that this fic does contain some sexual content.  
> -  
> Everyone is different and everyone lands on the spectrum differently, and everyone's experiences are different too, doesn't make them any less valid.

Ram doesn’t remember ever wanting to kiss anyone until he met King. His friends would always talk about how hot an actor or actress is, or how good looking they are. Ting particularly would talk about how she would love to kiss all members of Ctrl+S, even the sole female member, (which says a lot about her own fluid sexuality), but Ram’s never understood that. Sure, he’s been able to nod along and agree that they are pretty or handsome. They seem nice, but he doesn’t picture kissing them, never really saw the appeal until King.

He leans over him to help him with his homework, questions and equations that bleed together painfully sometimes. It’s hard to read the letters of the question, they get mixed up in his head and he knows that Duen will explain them all to him later, if not him then Ruj or his mom, but he wasn’t able to take his dogs in the morning so he doesn’t have much time tonight to work on the questions. He stupidly thought that he would be able to figure it out on his own, but he hasn’t. All he gets is more frustrated, then King comes, breath ghosting across his skin, tone playful as he asks, “Need help, cool boy?”

Suddenly his skin is on fire, he’s hot and he’s cold, and there’s shivers lining his back as goosebumps appear. He feels like he has a fever, a sickness that chants under his chest intune with his rapidly beating heart. _King. King. King._

He doesn’t say anything, but he does stiffen as King looks down at his messy scrawls in pencil, no doubt they’re all wrong or not even close to the question, and he’s not stupid. He’s actually pretty smart, but when you don’t understand the words, then how are you supposed to understand what they want you to do with the numbers?

“Here, you need to move the A to D, and subtract.” Explains King without any teasing or maliciousness in his tone. He doesn’t make fun of him for not understanding, not even a joke. It leaves him warm in a new way as he continues to explain, and Ram really can’t help as his eyes wonder up his neck to his intense but careful and always kind eyes. His hand running through his hair and his lips moving as he speaks. It’s when it hits him, the question of, ‘what would it be like to press his against King’s?’ Would he taste anything, would it be warm, soft, or demanding? Would he even know what to do? Would King? And would it feel good? As good as his friends always describe it, not only the action itself but the yearning for it that’s never really understood until now. Until his lips burn to touch, to kiss, to embrace.

“Do you get it now, Ai’Ning?” King asks, and it startles Ram so much that he hits his knee hard against the underside of the bench. He doesn’t show it though, the pain, or his desire to _feel_. He ducks his head away and nods, hoping that the blush that is there is barely visible. He can feel King’s eyes on him though, considering and trying to find out what he’s desperately trying to hide. “Okay, if you need help again, you can ask me.”

He feels a hand on his shoulder, but he doesn’t look up, eyes still intent on the paper with words that still don’t make sense.

.

Things only get worse for Ram, King is there all the time, and he loves it and hates it. He can’t stop looking and thinking about kissing him. It’s nothing beyond that, only his heart flutters and he has trouble swallowing whenever King pushes his hair back, his neck gleaming, long and elegant. Beautifully handsome are the words Ram would use. His lips always so inviting but so far away.

It doesn’t take long for him, with King’s kindness and their closeness that grows because of it that Ram figures out how he might actually be liking someone. A crush is what his first instinct is to call it, but he knows that it’s wrong, it tastes wrong in his mouth. What he feels for King is dizzying and intense, and lovely, but it’s not a crush. It’s his heart beating faster than it should when he’s near, his palms sweaty when King leans against him in his sleep, and it’s his breath that leaves him when King is in trouble. When he’s hurt nothing matters anymore but King. It scares him a little, how much he feels for him, but it’s outshined by how good it all is.

He doesn’t know how to tell him, how to kiss him without scaring him away. A part of him feels like King is untouchable, beautifully handsome to look at, but too beautifully handsome for him to touch. Another part of him wants to hold him close and kiss him until they’re both breathless. These two pieces of himself push the other away constantly, but above it all there’s this comfort in knowing how normal he is. How he’s not as different as he was always afraid he was. He doesn’t look at actors or actresses and says he wants to kiss them, but he does look at King and he thinks about kissing him all the time. He’s normal, isn’t he?

.

It surprises him when King kisses him first. They’ve both been drinking but it seems to have hit King the hardest, not to mention his head injury which Ram has already promised himself he’s going to get King to have it looked at. Even if that does require bribery of cooking for him again, but all thoughts go out his head when King’s lips are crashing into his. It’s everything he’s ever imagined and more. Warm, soft, and demanding. Kind and careful, and there’s no tongue but that’s okay. Ram wasn’t sure if that’s something he’d like anyway. King’s hands are on his face, right along his jaw cupping them gently as Ram finally gets to touch the silkiness of his hair.

It leaves them both breathless and Ram has to pull away, his forehead resting on King’s tenderly as they both breathe, breathing each other in. Ram goes to touch his lips again though, can’t help it. He’s thought about this for so long, and King is right here in his arms, and it’s perfect, and he wants, wants, and wants. And King gives.

They fall asleep tangled together, no words needing to be spoken, and in the morning when King wants to forget, Ram lets him because he remembers his words from last night. Before the kissing. He knows that maybe King is struggling too, just as he did at the start of this. At the start of them, so he lets him forget, he lets him have time, but he needs to know that he remembers. He doesn’t want to forget, how can he?

King doesn’t message him back, and Ram’s heart is left thundering because of it, but he was expecting this so he tries to think of something else. To distract himself until King is ready, but he can’t. All he can think about his King cradling his cheek, lips on his, warmth, and something akin to love in his heart.

.

“I like you.” The words come easily. He didn’t expect them to, he thought he’d struggle with them like he’s struggled with so many other words, but King is in front of him, soft and vulnerable and Ram just wants to hold him close. To kiss him less demanding, and more soft, gentle, and loving. He wants King to melt into him, and he wants to melt into him back. Lips. King’s lips can be so soft, but what if he says no? What if he tries to forget his own feelings? What if he’s not ready?

“I’ve never… This is new for me.” King explains. “I’ve never… With a guy.”

It seems he has trouble too sometimes, when it comes to words and trying to explain. Ram doesn’t mind though, he reaches out and touches his shoulder softly. Hand reaching up to his jaw, cupping it gently, with reverence as though King were gospel personified. “Can I kiss you?” He whispers it, afraid.

King nods and lips are on lips all over again, but Ram stays true to his words in his head and does it without hurry. He locks them together, moving in tangent with the beating of their hearts. He memorizes the feel of everything, fingers curling in King’s hair, hand on his cheek as one of King’s grips his waist.

When they pull away, King looks dazed, and Ram is sure he looks no better.

“I guess this means we’re dating?” King says, voice raspy.

Ram smiles, happy as his heart fills. He never even thought of that, of putting a name to this, but the word, ‘boyfriend’ sounds pretty alright. Pretty perfect. King is his boyfriend.

“Mine.” He says because he can, and for some reason that does something to King whose breath hitches. His fingers and hands letting go of Ram as he takes a shaky step back.

“We better do something else before...” King says as he licks his lips. “I just need to go to the bathroom first, you can start on dinner right, cool boy?”

He’s running off to the bathroom though before Ram can stop him, his hands thrown down lower, and it leaves Ram with a great sense of confusion, but he drops it for now as he heads to the kitchen to get dinner started. A few minutes later, fifteen in fact, longer than usual, King comes back, a different pair of pants on, but Ram chooses to ignore it. It’s not the strangest thing he’s seen coming from King, talking to plants definitely is at the top of the list, (even though he secretly thinks it’s adorable and the cutest thing ever).

“Pass the carrots, cool boy, I’m chopping tonight.”

.

Their relationship gets stronger, days turn into weeks that turn into months, and there’s kissing, and touching, and it’s all nice and comforting until it’s not. Until King pushes him up against a wall one day and when he starts kissing him his hands go lower, edging on the hem of his shirt above his jeans. His breath is heavy and hot on Ram’s and suddenly there’s a tongue in his mouth and he doesn’t know what to do.

His hands are left in freefall and he thinks back to his friends teasing about him and King, the territory growing somewhere else until Ram put his foot down and stopped it. He didn’t want to talk about it, let alone think about it because he knew it was coming. That King would want more, but he’s never wanted more, didn’t even want to kiss anyone until he met King, but sex? He’s never wanted that. He’s not against it, disgusted or repulsed, he just never has activity searched it out. Never felt the need. He tried jacking off once when he was younger, but he found that watching the latest episode of Fargo was far more entertaining.

“K- King… W- Wait.” He says, hands on King’s chest, because this is going too fast, and he’s not sure what he wants. He’s not sure if he can give King what he’s asking for, or what he wants. He’s not sure of anything right now. What if King breaks up with him? Because he doesn’t want this? Because he’s not normal? What if he has to leave this condo, their home, King and his smile. His plants that grow everywhere. The dogs gradually getting closer to King. The laughter and dinners they cook together. Drying King’s hair after he has a shower. What if he has to give that all up because of this one little thing? It’s so small and unimportant to him, but it means so much to everyone else- to… King?

“What?” King asks, confused as his eyes narrow on Ram. He’s breathless but he’s stopped kissing him, hands aren’t moving but they’re still there, hot on Ram. “Don’t you want this?” King asks, he grows more confused and Ram doesn’t know what to say. How to say it. He’s unable to talk in his own fear, stuck standing with hands out as King’s eyes turn sadder by the second. He hates it. He wants to reach out and touch, but only softly comforting strokes along his hair like he knows King loves and hand rubbing soft circles into his back like Ram knows he loves too. But King could misinterpret it as that he wants him to continue, and Ram doesn’t want to. He’s confused, uncertain.

Then, breaking both their hearts, King’s voice cracks as he asks, “Don’t you want me?”

Ram is speechless in the face of that, and before he can do anything King is pushing him away, he’s gathering stuff in a bag, even though this was his place first, and Ram’s heart is seizing in panic. He doesn’t want him to go. He can’t- He- sh- shit, he hasn’t had a panic attack since freshman year, but this sure as shit feels the beginnings of one, and he doesn’t know what to do. He can’t have King leaving, he can’t-

He reaches out, wrapping his arms around King from behind, pulling him close to him, chin on his shoulder. His breath is ragged as he tries to speak, to say something, but he can’t. King knows him though, always has, even before they met it seems, like they were imprinted in each other’s souls when they were created because he stops. He stops putting things in bags and he freezes. His hands coming up to Ram’s around him, tentative and confused.

“Cool boy?” He asks in hoarse whisper, because he was starting to get emotional, tears on the verge, and Ram hates that he’s done that. Hates that he’s made King feel like he doesn’t want him, when that’s all he wants. He wants his heart, his soul, to taste love on his lips that’s like galaxies. And he does. He feels so much and King is his, and he is King’s. Why isn’t that enough? Why isn’t he enough?

“Love.” He chokes out, manages to say that much. He feels King go soft in the face of that. “I always want you.”

“Th- Then why… We’ve been together almost five months.” King’s words are desperate to understand, he tries to shake out of Ram’s hold, to face him, but Ram can’t face King. He can’t say this and see the disappointment in king’s eyes. See the reflection of how abnormal and different he is. Broken.

“I’ve never wanted that.” So honest it hurts. He’s never told anyone this, never knew how.

He feels King’s confusion. His mind moving a mile a minute as he tries to understand, and then, “Sex?”

It clicks into place and Ram nods against his shoulder. He feels King relax and laugh breathlessly, relieved. He’s not angry or upset, and that confuses and off-kilter’s Ram so much so that he doesn’t have time to stop King from turning around, moving so that he’s facing Ram. Hands on his cheeks and eyes burning into his own. “Look at me, baby.” He does, can’t help it. He’s afraid of what he’ll see, but it’s only fondness and affection, and almost love. “It’s okay. You’re okay. We’re okay. I’m sorry, I should have known or asked. I shouldn’t have…” He blushes prettily. “Jumped you.”

Ram pushes a stray piece of hair away from King’s eyes. “Don’t. Apologize.”

“Sex isn’t everything.” King continues, smile adorned. “Don’t tell anyone this, but Mek is asexual. It’s okay. I understand.”

Ram’s never heard that word before, but he’s guessing it means what he’s feeling so he nods, accepting what King is saying before, “But...” He doesn’t know how to get the words out.

“I like you, not just for your body you know. Although it’s pretty nice.”

Ram smiles, big and wide as King does the same. He can’t really help it.

“We can talk more when you’re ready, but for right now, can I kiss you? Just a kiss, I won’t jump you again, promise.” 

Ram smiles into the kiss, warmth pooling into his heart as it squeezes and flips, and does all sorts of things that only King can make it do.

Above all, there’s something knew, something he’s never known fully and completely…

_Acceptance._

And maybe just maybe, he’s falling in love too.

.

“Are you… grossed out by it?” King wrinkles his nose adorably, and Ram smiles softly as he stares. They’re lying in bed together, fingers interlocked as their hands hold onto each other’s. Their shoulders are pressed together, and usually they cuddle more intently, but to have this conversation King felt like this way was better. To have a little space between them. Ram didn’t disagree.

Ram shakes his head, ‘no’, because he isn’t, never really thought about it or wanted it, but King does, and he wants to make him happy. To make him feel good, so maybe he’ll try. Maybe that’s okay. He doesn’t know. He hasn’t thought about it much, too afraid of what it all means, until now. Until King said, ‘it’s okay.’ It helps for Ram to think that maybe it really is.

“You don’t feel anything about it?” King tries.

Ram shakes his head again and King lets out a breath that Ram didn’t know he was holding. He squeezes their hands and says, “Okay, okay I think I get it now.”

Ram doesn’t quite know what he means so he looks to him, eyes wondering and curious. King like always gets him. “Mek doesn’t like it. Feels grossed out about it, but he also says it’s different for everyone.”

Ram’s eyebrows furrow. Has King been talking about him with Mek? Is Mek okay with King talking about him with Ram? King looks to him though and smiles softly, almost sheepishly. “I’m sorry. I only told Mek, he won’t tell anyone, I just- I needed to talk to someone. I’m sorry. He doesn’t mind if I talk to you. Actually he told me to tell you that can text him or call him if you want. If you need to talk to someone who gets it.”

Ram’s smile is warm, as he feels warm all over. “You get me.” He does.

King’s cheeks redden as he bites his lip and looks up to the ceiling. “You get me, too.” He says softly.

.

It takes him by surprise how much he wants to give to King. They’re kissing on his bed, Ram over top, encasing him in warmth, King below him and all his. He likes him here, wrapped up in his arms, eyes wanting and loving, and beautifully handsome. All for him. Safe and happy, soft. He nuzzles along his throat, unable to stop himself, leaving a kiss along his pulse point, and it’s that gesture that leaves King whining up into his touch, a noticeable hardness against his soft one. He doesn’t want more than this, the kissing, doesn’t crave it or desire it the way King clearly does, but he wants King to be satisfied. To have what he wants, and if he can give him that, why not?

His body and he doesn’t need anything, but King does, wants it as he would put it. He always says he doesn’t need anything more, only wants it, and Ram doesn’t argue. Doesn’t know how to ask if he’s only saying that for his benefit, but he does know that the last thing King would want is for him to force himself into something he doesn’t want too, but he does want this. He wants to give, to see a part of King he never has, that few get to see.

“Slow down, cool boy.” King whispers hoarsely, voice half choked on a moan.

“Don’t want to.” Ram whispers back. “Do you?”

King looks up at him dazed and confused, and Ram is in wonder. “Ram, we- we talked about this.”

He uses his first name, he never does unless it’s serious. Ram smiles and kisses his neck again. “Please, love? Want to try.”

“Baby-”

Ram’s heart fills with warmth at the endearment. “I want. To. Touch. You.” He punctures every word with another kiss, up his neck, to his jaw, then back to his lips. “Do you?”

King nods, unable to help what he feels and wants, but only if Ram wants it too, and he does. He also knows that if he wants stop he can, that King will let him and vice versa. His hands are gentle, fumbling as though they’re sixteen in the back of a parked car, not twenty and twenty two in their own place, together for almost ten months now.

Ram kisses him above where his heart is as he unzips his jeans, button popped already, and hands itching to pull them down. His boxers come with them but before he can take them off completely, King’s hand stops him with a firm grip to his shoulder. Ram does stop, looking up confused. King’s face is red as he smiles sheepishly in this state, eyes blown wide with lust that Ram doesn’t understand, but knows that it’s only _good feelings_. King feels _good_. He’s making him feel this way, and it makes him feel good too, just in a different way.

“Lotion.” King whispers as he hands the small bottle from his nightstand over, and that act alone makes Ram blush in embarrassment. How could he forget? They don’t have lube of course, never needed it, until now. Ram realizes he should have prepared better. He has been thinking about this for a while, playing with the idea in his head, but he’s never wanted to do this until now.

He lathers a good amount on and pulls King’s jeans and boxers down all the way, hand slightly cold as it wraps around King’s leaking member. His lips coming back up to King’s to take in his, moving against each other’s with ease and heat, and _love_ , as Ram strokes him slowly.

“F- Faster, please, babe.” King whispers between their reddening lips.

Ram obliges and watches as King comes undone- as _he_ makes him come undone.

“R- Ram!” King says it as he falls apart, and it makes Ram’s heart soar as he holds his lips in his, stoking him until he relaxes. Falling down from it all, hands still gripped into his shirt, and breath in pants of a new kind of high.

His eyes are tightly shut, and it worries Ram slightly. Hand that’s not full of come, coming up to touch along the span of his cheek, rubbing softly. “Love?” He asks gently.

King lets out a deeper breath as his eyes open and a dopey sort of smile appears. “You have amazing hands.”

Ram can’t help but smile too, laughing softly with him as he gives him one final kiss before they have to go clean up.

_Gods, do I love you._

.

It happens in public of all places, the stupidest thing it would seem to anyone else, but for Ram it’s everything. It’s overwhelming and confusing, and he doesn’t know what to do with it. They’re all sitting together, their two friend groups merging into one, when King leans over to give him some of his peppers because he doesn’t like them. His long neck that Ram’s kissed more times than he can count, his favourite thing to do aside from kissing his soft lips. It gleams to him, makes something stir within as he thinks about kissing him there all over again. Nibbling down slightly to leave a mark as King comes apart, as he comes apart with him.

It startles him, the thoughts, feelings, and this new sensation down below, so much so that he rattles the table in his haste to stand. Everyone turns to him, King included, various expressions of confusion, surprise, and concern. It’s King who says as he stands, hand held out to take his, “Babe?”

But Ram is expertly dodging his touch. “Bathroom.” He whispers and he leaves, walks quicker than he ever has before without running. He does go to the bathroom, his chest heaving with the oncoming panic attack. He curls up in a stall, suddenly feeling fifteen again as he tries to breathe. Tears that are unmanly and stupid just because his cock is hard. Any man he knows has been hard before, it’s normal, it’s expected, but he never has before. He thought- God, he’s so confused. He can’t breathe. What’s wrong with him? Why is he like this?

“Cool boy?” King’s voice is soft, cautious as he walks in. The doors don’t go all the way down to the floor, so it’s not hard for him to find him. His rapid breathing also doesn’t help hide him as King comes closer. Feet careful as his hand reaches up, palm flat against the metal. “Can I come in?”

Ram can’t- he-

“Okay, I don’t have to, but I’m going to stay, is that okay? Knock if it is okay?” His voice is loving, calm, even though Ram knows he’s panicking too.

He knocks.

King sits.

“I love you. So much.”

Later on, when he’s burrowed in King’s arms, warm and safe, where King’s breathing is evened out in sleep, he whispers back, “I love you, too.”

.

“You’ve been weird.” King says finally. The dogs lay down on the floor. They’ve been together over a year. King’s in his third year and Ram is in his second, the school year almost done. King can’t touch the dogs, or have them on the couch with him, even at his feet is tricky, but laying down in the same room on the other side of the room is another story. He’s okay with it. His therapy is going well, and Ram is still so grateful and touched that he’d go through all that for him, and his babies. But King knows he’d do the same if he had a fear of plants. And he’s already come this far.

Ram looks to him, a little startled and afraid. He’s been trying to hide this new confusing discovery. Trying to figure it out for himself first.

King reaches out, taking the remote and turning off the TV as he leans closer. His feet are in Ram’s lap, Ram giving him a foot massage after running around all day for his year-end project. He pauses now though, as King takes his feet back. He sits up, and there’s a little distance between them but he bridges that gap with his hand reaching out to his. Ram lets him interlock their fingers together. He let’s King hold his hand together with his two like it’s precious. Like he is.

“You can talk to me, cool boy.” King says. “When you’re ready. I just wanted to remind you, also I love you.”

Ram smiles as King turns the TV back on, not pushing, just a gentle reminder that he’s here and that he doesn’t have to deal with things alone. He knows that Ram will come to him in his own time, but maybe that time is now.

“I- I…” It’s so hard, even now, even after everything they’ve shared and been through together, to talk. To say the things he needs to and wants to say. “Demisexual.”

The word comes out jumbled and clumsy, and it’s the first time he’s ever said it out loud. King freezes though, eyes wide as he turns to Ram. The TV is switched off again as King squeezes their still joined hands. He leans in, close enough to kiss him if he wanted to, but he doesn’t. He waits. Patient and kind, and understanding, and beautifully handsome, inside and out.

“That’s what I am, I think.” He sounds unsure even to his own ears, but once the words are fully out, he realizes how right they sound. How much sense they make, and a little more firmly and sure says, “I’m demisexual.”

King takes a moment to take it all in before a grin washes over him. He leans in and hugs Ram close, head on his shoulder and hair tickling his neck before pulling away. He doesn’t need to ask, Ram is already leaning in to kiss him. Their lips meet softly somewhere in the middle, full of love and acceptance. Of happiness.

“I’m so happy for you, babe.” King says, because he knows that Ram has always struggled with what and who exactly he is. Not unlike himself, but sometimes it’s a journey, isn’t it? Sometimes it just takes time.

Ram pulls him in, kissing him for all he’s worth, and even when they do take things into a more heated direction, into more steps, Ram knows that kissing King will always be his favourite thing. Nothing can quite compare. Nothing.

He pulls back just long enough to say, “Me too, love.”

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Pride everyone!! And to my fellow Asexual/Demisexual spectrum people, you'll find someone who understand you, too, if you haven't already that is. :P  
> Thank you for reading. <3  
> {Also yes, I have a thing for Ram calling King, Love, don't @ me.}


End file.
